


Hamnoir in the Shed

by tiedyeflag



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Noirham - Freeform, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, hamnoir - Freeform, noir has insomnia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 04:51:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17501912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: Ham finds Noir struggling to sleep, and in need of some comfort. One thing leads to another and they end up enjoying each other's company in the spider shed.





	Hamnoir in the Shed

It was one of the rare nights all the spider people from the alternate universes came together and stayed the night in Miles Morales’ world. Miles was still young and inexperienced, so everyone teamed together to teach him the ropes. Sometimes they patrolled, sometimes they kicked serious bad guy butt, and sometimes, if they’re lucky, they hung together like a found family. They’d all stay over at Miles’ Aunt May’s place, the girls in one room and all the boys in another. Spider Ham, being the smallest of the bunch, loved to curl up in the armchair instead of a bed. He’d snore, loud and exaggerated, yet no one seemed disturbed by it.

Except for Peter Benjamin Parker, nicknamed Noir.

Whenever Ham fell asleep, all the boys would be accounted for in the room. Whenever he woke up, whether in the middle of the night or in the morning, Noir’s bunk would be empty.

Ham did his best to pretend it didn’t bother him, that the guilt in his stomach made it difficult to have sweet dreams. Sweet dreams as in enjoying his Aunt May’s delicious pies, or enjoying a delicious hot dog, or enjoying Noir’s delicious--

He just closed his eyes and tried to fall back asleep.

Not this time, however.

This time, Ham woke up with a tight feeling in his gut. His bladder was begging for relief. As quietly as he could, Ham got up and tiptoed out of the room and towards the guest bathroom down the hall. Each step made a high pitched _ping_ , as if he was walking along a xylophone. Somehow his sound effects didn’t disturb the others, and he made it past them, out the door and into the bathroom.

The bathroom was dim, illuminated only by the tiny window letting silver moonlight in. If he weren’t ready to burst, he’d find himself thinking how good Noir would look in that light…

He reached the toilet and pulled out a stool from his pocket. Being a small cartoon animal, he never left home without a handy dandy stool. He plopped it down, jumped atop it, and began to relieve himself.

“... _cough._ ”

Ham nearly stopped. His eyes went as wide as literal saucer plates, and his gut sank to the floor in a heartbeat. The cough came from behind the shower curtain hiding the bathtub from view. Struggling to control his heart rate and embarrassment, he finished his business and turned around. “A-Anyone there?”

Silence. Ham’s animal ears did pick up the sound someone holding their breath.

He delicately grabbed the shower curtain, took a deep breath, and yanked it aside. “Who’s ther-- _Noir?!_ ”

Noir was sitting in the bathtub, fully clothed, mask and glove included, resting his arms on his knees. The only indication of his surprise at Ham’s intrusion was his raised head and the eye holes in his mask going a bit wider than usual. He struggled to speak for a minute before he managed, “Evening, Ham.”

“What in Stan Lee’s name are you _doing?_ ” Ham asked. “Taking a bath with your suit on?”

“No, no, just…” Noir looked down at his feet, ashamed. His tongue twisted in his mouth as if sucking on an imaginary mint, searching for the right words. The whole time, Ham kept his eyes on his. Those warm, shiny brown eyes piercing his miserable state. He sighed. “Insomnia.”

“Can’t sleep?”

Noir nodded.

“And sitting in a cold bathtub helps you fall asleep?”

“I wish,” He shifted his weight, the rough material of his coat brushing against the cold porcelain. “Sometimes I go patrol. Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I just find someplace quiet to sit tight until morning.”

Oh. Oh no…”Don’t tell me my snoring woke you up? Aw shoot, I’m so sorry, I--”

“No no, it’s not you, it’s...my brain. Too many thoughts when it’s too quiet.” He paused. “I...I don’t mind your snoring. Or the other guys’.”

“Oh…” Ham idly made circles on the edge of the tub with his finger. “To be honest, I thought this whole time my snoring was keeping you up and outta the room.”

Noir raised his head. “You...noticed?”

“Eh, I’m an average sleeper.” He shrugged, then added. “Still, I never expected you went _here._ ”

Noir clenched his fists. “Didn’t mean to keep you from sleep. ‘M sorry.”

“Heeey, you didn’t wake me up, my bladder did!” He leaned over and gave Noir a pat on the shoulder. When Noir looked up, Ham was tempted to try Miles’s ‘flirting’ technique. To keep his ridiculously large hand on Noir’s shoulder, lid his eyes and say in a low voice, _‘hey,’_.

Ham was so caught up in the inner debate that he failed to notice Noir not staring at his face, but lower, at his--

Oh for the love of sows _he forgot to tuck his junk back into his boxers._

_It wasn’t even censored in this universe._

Ham went so red steam leaked out of his ears. His lips clamped together. After a minute of searing hot embarrassment, he willed his hands to slap over his junk and hide it. Trying to play it up as a joke--he was a cartoon, after all--and gave his most sheepish smile. “W--Whoopsie!” He chuckled nervously. He wanted to run to the ends of the earth, but his knees turned to jelly.

Noir broke the silence. “I didn’t know you had anything down there,” He croaked, averting his eyes by covering them with the brim of his hat.

“W--Well, now you know!” Ham successfully tucked his junk back into his boxers and, without thinking, added, “Y’know, I’m no glit back home.”

“ _Are you crazy?”_ Ham thought so loudly he feared Noir could hear it, spider sense or not. _“Out of all the things you could say, you said that?!”_

“What’s a...glit?” Noir asked. “Is that more twentieth-century slang?”

“I--It’s what you call a virgin pig.” Ham rubbed his neck. “Well, technically a female virgin pig, but where I come from, it just means virgin no matter what’s between your legs.”

“Ah…” Noir dared to look at Ham from the corner of his eye. When he saw he was decent, he seemed to relax and turned back towards him. “Bet you have a lot of fans back home.”

_“To hell with it,”_ Ham thought as he straightened his posture. “Ya’ kidding me?” He jumped over the bathtub rim and landed smack on Noir’s lap, straddling him. He prayed he didn’t notice how hard his curly little tail was wagging. “Lemme tell ya’ something, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. You’re not the only Casanova around here.”

“Who said I was handsome?”

“Says me, and I’ve got twenty-twenty vision!” He pressed their chests together. Noir felt cold against him, but hopefully not for long. Taking on a playful expression, Ham used two of his fingers to walk up Noir’s chest, neck, up to his jawline. He cupped his face and stared deeply into his eyes.

Noir remained still and silent, as still and silent as death. Ham’s heart dropped; what if this was making him uncomfortable? He always was more touch averse than the rest of the spiders. And oh wait, Noir was from the 1930s, when homophobia was as rampant as poverty, and oh no no _no_.

_“Play it cool, Porker. Keep it smooth and maybe you can still salvage your friendship with your crush,”_

“Oh, uh, gee wiz look at the time!” Ham chirped, leaning away. “Didn’t mean to keep you from your beauty sleep, handsome. Well, g’night!” He moved to jump off Noir, but a hand stopped him. Cool leather met his shoulder, and he froze.

“Wait,”

Ham gazed up, he had never heard Noir’s voice go so low or _gentle_ before. Another hand landed on the curve of Ham’s back, sending chills down his spine. His body relaxed, but his heart did the opposite. Noir’s face was as readable as a closed book with his mask, so he was shocked to find it pulled halfway up his face. Ham’s eyes widened with wonder as his hands followed their own agenda, reaching up to cup his face again. This time, he could feel the stubble of Noir’s chin and tiny scars riddling his cheeks. A few long ones decorated his neck; knife scars. But what intrigued Ham the most were his chapped, pale lips, parted slightly, the tiniest gap revealing the whites of his teeth. The gap was no more when Ham leaned forward and mashed his pink, pork lips against them.

Noir stilled at the contact but to Ham’s great relief, did not pull away. He gently, shyly pursed his lips back. Noir tasted bittersweet, like liquor and vaseline, and Ham couldn’t get it out of his brain. He scrambled to get closer, get more of Noir, ingrain this moment into his memory. Fingers tangled in Noir’s hair, short and tangled and oddly soft. Meanwhile, Noir’s hands wandered up Ham’s body, softly and gently, as if he could break him. His hands brushed against Ham’s perky ears, and he tested the waters by rubbing them between his fingers. If only he had known how sensitive they were because Ham broke the kiss with a trembling moan at the contact.

Noir stared at Ham, incredulous, then repeated the action, scratching his ears like a dog’s. He almost expected Ham to kick his leg in delight like a dog’s, but to his surprise--yet not his discomfort--Ham began to grind against him. Noir felt Ham’s erection slip past his boxers, and the tent in his own pants growing tighter. Ham’s breath steamed, exaggerated little clouds of perspiration slipping past his lips. Through the gentle course of electricity pulsing through his nerves, he reached down and groped at the tent in his pants.

“Ham, wait--wait--”

“Huh?”

“N--Not here,”

“Oh, uh, then where?”

Noir thought for a moment. “...The spider shed?”

* * *

 

Ham’s heart raced a mile a minute as Noir, ever the gentleman, cradled him close to his chest and carried him out the bathroom, past the backdoor, and into the elevator. As the elevator flew down, down, down into the secret lab, Ham laid the side of his head against Noir’s chest. He was surprised to hear Noir’s own heart hammering in his chest. Not the exaggerated ba-BUMP, ba-BUMP of his own heart, throbbing out of his chest and straining his chest with a heart shape. Instead Noir’s was subtly pounding away in his chest, pumping blood through his veins, towards his cheeks and down below.

The pig was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn’t even notice they had arrived at the bottom floor. He was startled out of his dreamy state when Noir shifted him in his arms. Ham looked upwards, finding Noir gazing back at him.

“Um,” Noir moistened his lips. “You wouldn’t happen to have a, um, a cot in your pockets, would you?”

Oh, of course. The Peter Parker from this universe didn’t have a bed in his lab. Ham jumped from Noir’s arms and landed with a flourish. “I’ll do better than that! Just watch,” He buried his hands into his pockets--most men's underwear didn’t have pockets, but Ham’s did!--and dug around. Sounds of clanking metal and random objects filled the silence as Ham rummaged around. His eyes lit up. “A-ha!” He declared and pulled out...a kitchen sink.

Noir stared at it as if mesmerized by the still leaking faucet. Even with his mask over his eyes, Ham could tell he was now staring at him, too.

“Whoops!” Ham threw the sink away. Ignoring the loud clunk as it fell, creating a crater in the smooth linoleum floor, Ham dug through his pockets again. This time, he pulled out a golden menorah, still alight.

“A little early for Hanukkah, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Ham chuckled, then blew out the candles. He tossed it aside and reached for his pockets. Both he and Noir were surprised at what he pulled out; a white, fluffy cat.

“Mrow?”

“Snowball? How did you get in there?!” asked Ham.

“You have a cat?”

“No, no, she’s my neighbor’s pet,” Ham put Snowball down.

“So anthropomorphic animals can have pets…?”

“I don’t get it either,” Ham scowled as he shoved his hands as deep as he could in his pockets. “Oh, for Pete’s sake, where is that--?!” His hands flung out random objects from his pockets, littering the ground. Cutlery, office supplies, weapons...Noir bit his tongue to hold in his chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all.

“FOUND IT!” The pig triumphantly pulled out a queen sized bed, headboard and all, in the blink of an eye. Noir was shocked as Ham held it up in the air with one hand, without breaking a sweat, and plopped it down on the ground. It landed with a dull thud, sending the comforter askew.

“You found it,”

“Yep,”

“Mm-hm,”

Silence followed, awkward as hell. Their hearts raced again as the gears in their heads spun wildly on how to regain the mood.

“...Shall we?” Ham reached out his hand. His plan was to take Noir by the hand, like a gentleham, guide him to the bed, and move on from there. At the sight of Noir gazing at him cheeks darkening to a gray, the equivalent of blushing, it made Ham’s heart skip a beat. He was frozen as Noir leaned closer, gently picked him up, and slowly, slowly, antagonizingly slowly leaned forward to kiss Ham.

Ham’s eyes turned into heart shapes, and he tore off his pajamas. He dropped the shreds to the ground, then jumped higher in Noir’s arms. Ham lept with such force he made Noir lose balance and fall backward onto the bed.

Every nerve of Noir was alight. He was feeling. He was feeling _everything_. Anxiety. Excitement. Terror. Arousal. Pure uncertainty. He was feeling so much that he didn’t even notice Ham pulling at his clothes, somehow pulling off his coat, his vest, and was now wrestling with his sweater.

“H--Ham,”

Ham froze, hands clenching at the hem, halfway up his navel. He stared up at him with large, pleading eyes. “Huh? Going too fast for you?”

“No! No, I…” Noir bit his lip, white teeth digging into gray flesh. Uneasy fingers drifted to the edge of his mask. “Before we...Before we go further, I want...I want to be sure you’re okay with this. With me.”

Ham snorted. “Shouldn’t I be askin’ you that?”

Noir shook his head. “No. You deserve to know.” His fingertips rubbed at the fabric of his mask. He couldn’t feel the texture through his leather gloves. When was the last time he unmasked himself for another human bei--for another person? Yet his heart was telling him to bear it all for this ray of sunshine of a spider pig. If he would be repulsed by his monochrome face, then better to end it now than later.

A sharp intake of breath, followed by yanking his mask off.

Ham’s jaw dropped, and his eyes studied Noir’s features. Everything was black and white, void of any color besides gray. His sharp nose cast a shadow on his face, against flesh pale as paper. Dark, sad eyes sank into his eye sockets that Ham liked to think would be a beautiful, bittersweet shade of brown if in technicolor. There was a tiny nick on his left eyebrow where a scar pervaded his skin. Noir’s hair was just long enough to run a comb through it, but thick and tousled by his mask. A tuff curled on his forehead, and some stray strands stood up in the air by static electricity. The most notable feature, however, were the scars. A few nicks here and there, such as in his eyebrow. A large, angry scab pierced his right earlobe, like a bullet had been shot through it. Another long, skinny cut along his jawline, seemingly from a knife fight.

While Ham was still drinking in all the damage of Noir’s face, Noir removed his gloves without ceremony, sticking them into his pants pocket. Gastly scabs littered his hands, bruised knuckles and nail beds. Fingers so pale they could be mistaken for bone. Those same hands reached for the hem of his turtleneck, trembling before they hesitantly pulled it up his chest.

A large scar ran in a sloppy diagonal across his chest, missing his left nipple by millimeters. It ran thick and deep, like a canyon in his flesh. Even though the wound was old, it still retained a dull sheen, almost still looking fresh. The skin had healed improperly, or was incomplete, and undeniably indelible. If it was in color, it’d likely be a muddy, ugly red.

The noisy spider pig was quiet, mouth unable to form words, eyes pulled towards each and every hideous deformity of Noir’s body. _“He must think I’m hideous, obviously,”_ Noir thought and moved to pull his sweater back down.

However, Ham stopped him, fat tiny fingers grabbing his wrist, gently but firm enough to stop. His other hand pawed at his scar. When it was clear Noir was too in shock to resist, Ham let go of his hand and both his hands caressed his imperfect skin. Perfectly smooth cartoon fingertips against gritty, gorey scars. He struggled to feel against the scars and yet, there was something. The faintest warmth of friction. And the softest brush of moisture as Ham placed his wet, pouty lips against his skin with a loud ‘mwah!’.

Noir’s heart swelled in his chest at these new feelings. He could hardly breathe. His chest grew tighter when the pig stared up at him with larger than life, warmer than life eyes. He looked like a puppy begging for a walk.

Even with all his years of practice in stuffing down his emotions, he couldn’t hold down the feelings on the verge of eruption in his heart. He reached out his hands and shyly pulled Ham up for a kiss.

Now with his gloves off, he could perfectly feel the utter softness of Ham’s skin, and the warmth. To his surprise, Ham slipped his tongue out and pushed against Noir’s insistently, begging for entry. Noir parted his lips and was greeted by the taste of plain twentieth century toothpaste. As he memorized the taste and feel of Ham’s mouth, his hand wandered down the small of his back, over the curve of his tiny buttlocks, and then back up, rhythmically.

He was so caught up that he almost didn’t hear Ham unbuckle his belt and wrestle with the button of his pants. To his embarrassment, his black and white cock bobbed out immediately. Their lips broke apart with a strand of saliva between them. Ham glanced down and whistled.

“Wow, not bad. Not bad at all~” Ham booped the tip, a drop of precum staining his fingertip. As he delicately ran his finger down the underside, along a gray vein, he asked, “Soooo how do you wanna start?”

Noir’s cock bobbed in excitement, and anxiety. “Well, I…”

Ham’s seductive expression turned into concern. “Wait. Have you, uh, ever done it before?”

“A...a couple of times. Never with a man before…”

“Bet you haven’t done it with a pig before either, huh?”

Surprisingly, Noir smirked slightly. “If I did, I’d be charged with bestiality in my universe.”

Ham laughed, a belly aching laugh, as he crawled backwards until he was face to face with Noir’s cock. “Well then, handsome, I’m honored to be your first. Now,” He winked, and lowered his head, “let’s get this party started…”

Noir parted his lips to ask Ham what he meant by that, exactly, but all cognitive thought vanished when Ham wrapped his lips around the head of his cock. He covered his mouth as a gasp escaped him, and he gazed downwards. Ham’s eyes were closed, cheeks hallowed and already a trail of drool leaking out the corner of his mouth as he slid his lips down his length. His cheeks were flushed a brilliant shade of red, as red as one of the colors of his beloved rubix cube. And god, did that color look beautiful on Ham’s face.

Just when Ham was halfway down, he glanced upwards. Noir swore his heart stopped at that moment, and he wondered if Ham was enjoying this. Enjoying the taste of his precome and the no doubt vulnerable expression spread across his face.

He must have liked what he saw, because his lips curled into a smile and he shoved his head the rest of the way down with a wet slurp.

Noir threw his head back and couldn’t hold back a loud moan. He thanked the stars no one else was around to hear him as Ham began to bob his head, the soft, warm insides of his mouth blessing him with a slick friction. He went right to the root, his snout burying itself into his black pubic hair each time. How could such a short cartoon character take in so much down his throat? Then Noir remembered the ‘loony toons’ logic of his infinity pockets. He vaguely wondered if they applied here as well, as Ham slipped off with a pop and began to lick up his cock.

“Hah, hah...H--Ham…”

“Mm-Hmm~” He purred with the head in his mouth. Pleasant vibrations resonated through every nerve of Noir’s being.

“Wh--What about,” He gasped for air, “What about you?”

Ham pulled off with a sharp pop. “Whaddya mean, ‘what about me’?”

“I...I want to...please you, too…”

“Ohhh,” Ham sat back up. “Whatcha have in mind, casanova?”

“Uh, I...I don’t know…”

“Oh, yeah, you’re not well versed in this.” Ham tapped his chin. “But essentially, you want us to both feel good, right?”

Noir nodded.

“And...you’ve had experience putting your dick into holes, right?”

Noir nodded, blushing.

“Did you like that? Feel good?”

Noir wished he had his mask back to hid his blush, but still nodded.

“Then I’ve got juuuust the thing for us!” Ham bent over, grabbed his boxers, and reached into the pockets. Sounds of random objects clanking together within as he searched his pockets. His eyes lit up and pulled out a white tube of cream...no wait, the label said in bright red letters CRISCO.

“Isn’t that vegetable oil?”

“Yep, and it’s super duper slick! Also vegan!”

Noir tilted his head in confusion.

“It’s lube, silly! I’m gonna make my butt hole nice ‘n slick so you can stick your dick inside.”

Noir’s eyes went comically wide as his lips burned and his dick bobbed ever so gently. “...Oh.”

Ham flipped the cap off the tube. He squeezed a healthy dollop of it on his hand, making his hands shiny with slick. “Don’t worry, I’ll be ready for you in no time with this stuff.” Winking, he flung his hand to his backside and Noir heard slick sounds coming from there. While Ham stretched himself out, he laid his head against Noir’s chest, panting softly. Noir’s mind raced; would it feel good for both of them? Shouldn’t Noir be doing this for him? Will his cock even fit in Ham, or was cartoon logic still at play?

Noir’s mind was busy with thoughts. However, they ceased buzzing through his skull when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Ham staring up at him with those same, bright eyes as before. His legs straddled his lap as his hips were held up above his cock, the tip of his monochrome cock an inch away from Ham’s flesh. Noir held his breath as Ham asked, “Ready?”

“Will it hurt?”

“Pfft, no!” Ham chuckled. “I’m gonna make you feel really good, handsome. You’re not the only casanova here.”

“I meant for you.”

Ham flushed. “Oh, well aren’t you a gentleman? But don’t worry, I know what I’m doing, and trust me, it’ll feel _great_ for both of us.”

“...Okay. I...I trust you.” Noir’s hands laid against Ham’s hips. “I’m ready.”

As slow as molasses, Ham lowered himself. The head of Noir’s cock kissed the edge of Ham’s pucker. He then slipped inside, just an inch. Noir’s grip tightened.

“Y--You okay?” gasped Ham.

“God, you’re...you’re warm.”

“And you’re nice ‘n thick,”

Noir gulped. The praise sent a shiver down his spine to his cock. He held his breath as Ham inched himself lower and lower until he was completely seathed inside. Ham panted, his blush spreading from his cheeks to his chest in a glorious red. “Man, you’re big.”

“Are you okay?” Noir struggled to keep his voice even. The tightness of Ham’s body was heavenly. “Do you want me to pull out?”

“Fuck no!” Ham exclaimed, then chuckled. “Man, I missed swearing. Can’t do that in my universe.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Noir studied Ham’s stomach, expecting to see the outline of his manhood straining against his taut skin. However, only the slightest bump was visible. He dared to brush the palm of his hand against it, making Ham gasp. Immediately, he pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry, are you--”

“No no no, that felt _good!_ ”

“Really…?”

“Oh yeah! Pressed right up against my sweet spot.” Ham pressed into his stomach and let out a low moan. Without warning, he slid up until just the tip was inside. He paused, letting the anticipation and arousal thicken in the air, then slammed back down.

Noir was embarrassed by the sound that ripped from his throat, high and needy, but was overshadowed by Ham’s squeal of delight. The pig slid back up again, then down, again and again. He slid up and down with superhuman speed, Noir thought. Before his unfocused eyes, sweat glistened against Ham’s skin like iridescent rhinestones, beading down his neck and body. He prayed his own, sweltering body didn’t look too disgusting to Ham, but judging by Ham’s expression, he was more than happy with what he saw.

He was staring at him as if he was the most absolutely gorgeous thing he’s ever laid cartoon heart eyes on.

“God, Ham,” Noir gasped between breaths. “You feel so good--!”

“Fuck, Noir, fuck, _fuck!!”_

The flesh of Ham’s buttcheeks slapped against Noir’s lap, and he loved it. The sound filled the air along with their gasps, curses, and racing heartbeats. Noir’s grip tightened on Ham’s hips, digging into his rose pink flesh, wanting to imprint his fingerprints as permanent reminders of this moment as a reminder of this moment. Meanwhile Ham kept his hands atop Noir’s midsection, occasionally brushing against the silver hairs trailing from his chest. The pig smashed his lips into Noir’s in a messy kiss, parting for air with each thrust. Noir dared to let his tongue slip into Ham’s mouth, twirling around his red tongue, savoring their mixed taste.

“P--Peter...”

Noir’s heart skipped a beat; he so rarely heard his name in this universe to avoid confusion between the other spider people, Ham included. Yet hearing his name with such desperation and desire from Ham, still fucking himself on Noir’s cock…

“God, Peter, I’m close, so close,” Ham croaked.

“Me too, Peter…” Noir couldn’t hold back a snort, and neither could Ham. Despite this, Ham’s eyes never lost their lustful gleam. “Can I--Can I cum inside you?”

“Oh, hell yes,” Ham’s pace quickened. “Come on, cum inside me, cum inside me, oh fuck…”

“Shit…” The heat in Noir’s gut coiled tighter and tighter to the point of choking him. “I’m--I’m cu--!”

Noir cut his phrase short as he cried out, every fiber of his black and white being with feeling. Feelings he wanted to remember, to hold onto, to make last forever. Meanwhile, he spilled out, balls tight as a fist against him while he filled Ham with his hot white cum. Ham’s muscles fluttered around him, squeezing him and milking him for every last drop.

He was so strung on the pleasure coursing through him that he almost missed Ham cumming all over his chest, liquid warmth spurting out and painting him a vivid white. Somehow, in Noir’s eyes, the white of Ham’s cum was the most beautiful shade of white he’d ever seen. A few drops even shot out far enough to reach his chin.

Even after every last drop was squeezed out of Noir’s body, Ham kept going, wave after wave of white continuing to cover Noir’s nude body, still moaning in delight. But the pressure, the tightness, the feeling was all so much that when Noir saw stars, he passed out.

* * *

 

When Noir came to, he had no idea how long he was passed out for. His body still tingled with the aftershocks, and he felt something soft and wet brushing against his chest. He glanced downwards and blushed; Ham was licking him, cleaning up an ungodly amount of cum painting his body. Noir’s stomach was already licked clean, and now Ham was working his way to his pectorals. His tongue swirled around his dark grey nipple.

“H--Ham…”

Ham froze, then sat upwards. “Oh, you’re awake!”

“How long was I…?”

“Like, half an hour or so?” Ham scratched his cheek sheepishly. “The thing is, uh, pigs can orgasm for up to thirty minutes straight, and I, well, got carried away…?”

Oh goodness, Noir’s face burned so hotly he swore it was burning red at this point. So all the cum on his body was… “Holy...Holy cow,”

Ham chuckled, “Yeah, sorry ‘bout the mess.”

“I can only imagine what it’d be like if you came inside me. It’d probably come out of my ears and nose,”

“Well, that’s what condoms are for!”

“What about you? I didn’t...my, er, cum didn’t…?”

“Oh no no no! It’s fine!”

Noir relaxed. His shoulders went slack as he laid back down. The tiredness in his joints ached and filled his veins. He suddenly realized how exhausted he was, and how calm he felt. He covered his mouth as he yawned.

Ham crawled up his body and curled into a ball in the crook of Noir’s neck. His body felt soft and warm against his, a pleasant presence. “Wanna catch a few winks before we sneak back into the house?”

“M’kay,”

“G’night then, buddy,”

“Good night, Ham,”

* * *

 

They ended up sleeping in until almost lunchtime, and woke up to be discovered by the rest of the spider crew, everyone in utter shock. And for some reason, Gwen said, “I knew it! I win the bet!” and Miles grudgingly gave her a twenty dollar bill.

**Author's Note:**

> I had writer's block and was upset at the lack of hamnoir content. Does this make me a furry? I am unsure.  
> First time writing the horizontal mambo with two ding dongs, and man IT WAS HARD >////<


End file.
